I didn’t always hate her — as a matter of fact for most of my life I would barley give her a second look. I would catch a glimpse of her every now + again, but it was never a big deal. But when I did start to notice her… it was for all the wrong reasons. I started to belittle her every. single. day. I would tear her down based on how she looked — everything from what size jeans she was wearing all the way to if you could see her collar bone enough. I began to detest her: the girl staring back at me in the mirror.
I had a daily routine: every day I would wake up + before doing anything, I would stare at her. I would pick her apart by saying “your stomach is pudgy today” or “no one is going to think your skinny if you can’t see your collar bone” + pinch the “fat” areas + watch them jiggle until I couldn’t stand to watch anymore.
As I would eat breakfast [1 banana with PB2] I would create my workout for the morning + base my mileage on how much I would weigh that morning [anywhere between 5-8 miles]. If I was at the gym for any less than 2 hours it basically didn’t count. I spent my classes writing in my food journal + logging my daily miles. Lunch usually consisted of almonds + an apple. Whenever I would hang out with my friends, I found myself talking about food to them. Boasting about how I didn’t eat carbs anymore + the only meat I would eat was chicken. The day I broke 100 pounds felt like the best day of my life. I couldn’t wait to see how low I could get…
That was about 1-1.5 years ago. These thoughts + behaviors were on + off for just about a year. While I am fortunate to say I was able to talk to someone who brought me out of that darkness, I spent much of my time after that fighting. Fighting the thoughts that occasionally would run through my head reminding me of her. Fighting the urges to obsess over calories. Fighting for myself.
The first CHAARG FitPlan I participated was the Fall FitPlan. I was SO ready to fall in love with myself + I couldn’t wait to see the outcome. So every day I stared at her + every day I was frustrated. At the end I was discouraged beyond belief. Why didn’t I love myself? I had convinced everyone else, but I knew that wasn’t the case.
Going into this CHAARG Spring Break FitPlan, I decided I was not going to let her get in my way — she would not hold me back this time. I’ll admit I was nervous — how was I going to inspire my own BGSU Chapter of girls to love themselves if I didn’t even know how to do that?
One day a very important person in my life had recently said to me “thoughts become things, choose the good ones” + it hit me like a ton of bricks. If I was going to do this thing I needed to *dive in* to this FitPlan – mentally + physically. In order to love myself I needed to put in a conscious effort to do so + I needed to trust this process. I pushed myself to do things I never thought I would [I did 4 freaking PULL UPS — still not over that]. I was taking *me time* when I needed it. I was getting up earlier [5:30AM 4 days a week – I thought pigs would fly before that ever happened].
But the best part? I thought I was going to go through this alone + I couldn’t have been more wrong. Every day the BGSU CHAARG girls were sweating + laughing with me all while having no idea how much of an impact they were having on me. I was surrounded by so much positivity that I hadn’t even thought about her.
After the FitPlan ended I began to notice her again — but for a different reason. I smiled. I was happy with who I saw in the mirror. Physically, my body didn’t change that much, but that isn’t what my journey is about.
I KNOW THIS IS MERELY THE BEGINNING OF MY STORY, BUT I WOULDN’T WANT IT TO BEGIN ANYWHERE OTHER THAN WITH CHAARG.
Join us this CHAARG BOOTYCAMP ++ get ready for the happiest + healthiest summer of your life. We are going to give you the tools to find + ignite your passion for fitness, fuel your body right, + truly believe in yourself + all that you are: Beautiful. Strong. Confident. Together, we will empower each other to reach our fullest potential. It’s time to let go of all that’s holding you back. Unleash yourself — this is the beginning of anything you want. // *open to members + non-members: sign up here!