After making a decision that changed my life forever, I felt TRAPPED. I felt like I didn’t deserve to be happy. How could someone who did something so selfish deserve to be okay? I asked myself that question a lot. Last semester I dealt with a lot of personal problems + I had no motivation to feel good about myself. Not just because I couldn’t, but because I didn’t allow myself to do so. I used food to cope + soon gained weight. ++ don’t even get me started with taking birth control…[gaining weight is not a MYTH] ++ so many girls are affected by it. Being on exec made me question how I was supposed to be a leader when I felt so broken, but I let that guide me. I wanted to show girls that I struggle just as much as they do. The struggle is too real.
My negative mindset did not allow me to be the healthy person I once was. The Fall FitPlan happened — nothing changed, I still felt STUCK. I hated my job, I hated working out, I hated worrying about raising my GPA for Med School + most of all I hated being unhappy. Every FitPlan I did was never completed. During winter break, I did a lot of reflecting + told myself that if I didn’t take the initiative to change, I would continue to be unhappy.
The spring semester started, ++ I applied for an amazing research program in Boston + got accepted. I could finally leave my job [which caused so much anxiety] I completed #runCHAARG so I was ready to take on anything. This 5th FitPlan rolled around + I was beyond EXCITED. I always skipped the FitTest but this time was different. The new MWF structure of the FitPlan allowed me to finish every workout. I no longer felt like a failure for not being able to work out every day. In the past, I took every FitPlan as a chance to be “perfect.” There’s always that constant pressure to be a perfect student, a perfect daughter, a perfect girlfriend + a perfect leader, but with this FitPlan I wanted to embrace all my imperfections. I did not want to strive to be perfect, I strived to be the best I could be + finally that was good enough for me. I started to look forward to every workout instead of thinking of it as a chore I had to complete.
Throughout the FitPlan I learned so much about myself. I finally put working out before school. In the past I wouldn’t work out if I had an exam to study for. But getting a good grade on an exam does not feel as good as finally being HAPPY. Every workout I pushed myself + used 10-15 lb dumbbells [waaaaaay out of my comfort zone]. I would crush #6AMCrew when I had to commute to work @ 8AM. Maybe I didn’t lose weight, but I gained confidence. To me, not stepping on the scale was my biggest accomplishment.
I used these FitPlan workouts to better my relationships-with my boyfriend + with my CHAARGies. I always loved to run, but my boyfriend dreads it so these workouts finally connected us. My proudest moment was completing #BikiniBooty with my fav girls. Commuting to school is hard + I usually work out during my breaks, but that day I just needed a little extra motivation. Nobody could do the work out til’ 6PM [3 hours after my last class] but I needed them just as much they probably needed me too. I waited + we crushed the workout together. They saw the Smith Machine part and said “let’s skip it and just do squats with dumbbells.” The old me would have agreed, but I challenged them to not be intimidated. Even though we had never used that machine before, we tackled it together-as a TEAM. I felt so proud of myself + proud of my girls [Daniela, Amy and Mandy] ; ) I know they’ll never be intimidated by the Smith Machine again! Those little accomplishments mean more to me than losing 15 lbs.
This FitPlan + CHAARG have changed my life + I never plan on going back to feeling so unworthy of HAPPINESS. It gave me the confidence to share my progress pictures, knowing there isn’t a big difference on the outside, but I myself see the difference on the inside. I definitely learned to LOVE MY LIGHT.
#CHAARGJourney highlights our members’ amazing journeys through CHAARG — physically, mentally, emotionally. Kazandra was one of three #CHAARGSBFP 2017 winners, ++ you can continue to follow her CHAARG Journey on Instagram . We love you, Kazandra, ++ are so thankful to have you a part of the CHAARG Community!